Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Morning Snuggles

I am not a bedtime cuddler, never have been never will be.  To put it bluntly, I hate cuddling in bed.  I like to stretch out and get comfortable and have no one touching me.  On the couch sure cuddling is awesome but in bed I need my space.

That changed somewhat once we had kids.  After our oldest was born and I was on my own during the night (breastfeeding) I quickly learned that having the baby right in bed with me was a million times simpler than having her sleep somewhere else.  Co-sleeping quickly became the norm for us. Our oldest slept with us until she was a week shy of 15 months when we weaned and moved her into her room all in the same week.  I was shocked at how easy the transition was.  Even though after I got pregnant a second time
 I vowed to never co-sleep again (the successful move out was probably our 3rd or 4th attempt at getting her out of our room) old habits die hard and our son quickly ended up in our bed as well.  He lasted until his first birthday when he night weaned and moved into his crib.  Our youngest was the about the same and moved out shortly after her first birthday.  Our room has felt empty without them, but I must admit, it's been amazing having my space back.

Shortly after our youngest moved into her room (which is shared with big sister) she got sick and things quickly spiraled downhill.  Baby would wake up crying not feeling well and big sister would wake up crying because it was noisy and she couldn't sleep.  It was a vicious cycle I didn't have the emotional patience to deal with so big sister ended up back in our room.  She has a twin mattress on our floor where she sleeps but recently she has started making her way into our bed in the early hours of the morning.  I forgot how much I loved these snuggles!!

One of the things I remember the most about my childhood is snuggling with my mom.  I remember in 8th grade when our beloved dog Elliott died I started having pretty bad anxiety.  It started one day around the time of his death when I was in my dad's office in the basement eating a twinkie.  I'm not sure what exactly happened but I think a portion of the plastic wrapper went down my throat as I inhaled to take a bite.  I didn't swallow it or even choke really, but I had that split second of panic where I thought the plastic was stuck in my throat and I wasn't able to breath.  After that I constantly felt like I couldn't breath and was always in a state of panic.  Thoughts of death consumed me.  I remember several nights being extremely anxious and just laying with my mom and her warm embrace being enough to calm me down.

I know my daughter isn't dealing with anxiety like this and I pray she never does, but her coming to snuggle with me started when she got a cold too and wanted some comfort.  It has now become a daily thing and I seriously love it.  It makes me so happy to know that I can provide for her the same loving comfort that my mom provided to me.  Up until this morning though I didn't realize how much I relied on her for comfort as well.  My husband made her promise she wouldn't come into our bed until after he left for work.  I found myself lying awake around 3:00 am feeling nauseous and the only thing I wanted was her in my arms.  It was impossible for me to fall back asleep.  I've noticed that I could lay awake half the night unable to sleep but as soon as she's all snuggled up next to me, it's so so easy to drift off.

I absolutely love this bond we have and with kindergarten just around the corner I often wonder how much longer this will last.  Soon enough she'll be a "big girl" and cuddling with mommy will be so uncool.  As it is, the younger two are not big on cuddling so I will cherish every cuddly moment I can get.

Monday, August 15, 2016

Kindergarten Jitters...Still

The first day of kindergarten is all too quickly creeping up on us.  We have just two weeks left until the first day of school and I am still nowhere near ready.  Over the past week, first day of school pictures have been flooding my facebook newsfeed and each time I see one my anxiety creeps just a little bit higher with the thought that soon enough, that will be us.  Cliche as it is, it really does seem like just yesterday I was in the hospital giving birth and now here we are, off to school.  Where have the past 5 years gone?!

I think one of the biggest (though certainly not the biggest) contributing factors to my anxiety is the lack of being able to plan.  School is two weeks away...TWO weeks, and we have yet to learn who her teacher is.  We don't know what bus she will ride or what time she needs to be at the bus stop.  I don't know if I'm allowed to pack peanut butter sandwiches in her lunch box.  I just feel so under prepared.  When it comes to mentally preparing for things, especially when it has to do with my kids, I like to have everything laid out for me.  Here, it simply isn't there.  I am hoping the assignments come this week so that we can start talking about her teacher and remembering his or her name and start getting excited.

Next week we have Kindergarten Orientation.  I am not sure what all that entails but I'm excited to go.  I know we get to meet the teacher and see the classroom.  It will be nice to hopefully meet some other parents and start making friends.  I went out on a limb a few weeks ago and sent a facebook message to a mom I saw on our schools facebook page.  She had commented on a post that she was sending her son to kindergarten and upon visiting her profile I saw that she has 3 young boys.  Perfect right?  Unfortunately she read my message but never did reply. :'(  Hopefully that isn't a foreshadowing of how our making school friends is going to go.  As far as I know, there are no other kindergartners in our neighborhood so I really do hope that we are both able to make some friends at school.

As far as us, all we have left to do is finish school supply shopping.  We've purchased 5 (FIVE!!!) pairs of new shoes.  I don't think she has ever owned that many pairs of shoes in one size in her life.  Plus she has 2 other pairs that we got earlier, but not specifically for school.  We've gone clothes shopping and gotten her an entire new wardrobe.  She picked out her first day of school dress all by herself (sort of)!  We have a backpack and lunch box.  I can't think of any other things that we need.

If you have a child that has already gone to kindergarten, what advice would you give to a mom that is sending her child to school for the first time?  Seriously, the first time.  We have done 3 summers of VBS (one week, 3 hours a day) but other than that, she has never done a school, class, camp or ANYTHING where we have been apart so this is going to be a huge huge huge adjustment for us both!

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

FunBites Challenge

Our Good Morning America FunBites bundle arrived just 2 DAYS after placing my order!  What amazing service!  We chose bundle B that included minions, squares, triangles, and hearts (in a different color than what we already have!).  Personally I think I'm most excited for the squares because of all the different things we will be able to build.  All three of mine are wanting to use the minions cutter first so I think we will try it out at lunch today.


Either tomorrow or Thursday we will do our big grocery store run for the week.  So, I'd like to take some requests.  Leave a comment with what you'd like to see us cut up or give us something to create!!  I will post each of the creations you suggest on our facebook page and then at the end, make a blog post to feature them all.

Thursday, August 4, 2016

FunBites!

With kindergarten just around the corner for my oldest daughter one thing that is very daunting to me is packing a school lunch.  I've never really been a food planner and for breakfast and lunch it's usually just a spur of the moment decision as I'm getting ready to cook.  However I know for school I'm going to need to be more on the ball and most likely even prepare and pack her lunch the night before.  With social media as big as it is these days I can tell that some parents go ALL OUT with their kids lunches.  I'll be honest and say that with 2 other young kids at home my time is valuable and fancy lunches most likely aren't going to happen.  Or so I thought!  A few months ago I came across FunBites!  These food cutter sets make creating a fun lunch SO easy.  FunBites was nice enough to send me their pink hearts set to try out and we have absolutely loved it.


The cutter is a two piece set which is great since you don't have to fiddle with getting your cutouts out of the mold once you are done pressing them.  There is one open piece that has the openings to cut your designs and the second piece is all the shapes filled in so once you press it down, the cutouts easily pop out. Super easy!


What I love the most about FunBites is how versatile they are.  I have tried other brands of sandwich cutters before and they are just that...sandwich cutters.  FunBites, however, are made of a super hard plastic which allows it to cut more than just bread.  It can cut cheese, fruit, sandwiches thicker than a generic pb&g.  Seriously, this can get through anything!  To add to the versatility as you can see in the picture the heart cutout is made up of hearts, half circles, and triangles!  This allows for so much creativity when making your designs.  My kids loved building circles and castles.  The possibilities are endless.




Here are examples of strawberries, cheese, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  I tend to prefer using it to cut out fruits/veggies/cheese and other things that are either very thin or very hard.  I noticed with the peanut butter and jelly that the cutter is so strong that it almost squished the sandwich down to nothing.  The kids didn't seem to mind it though, so it's still a win for me!

Now here is the best part, FunBites are normally $9.99 each.  Today though FunBites has teamed up with Good Morning America and they have a deal that can't be beat!  If you visit THIS link there are 3 different sets of four FunBites for just $18!!  (Shipping for me was $5, not sure if it is different depending on region)  I'm excited to have so many options for making lunches this upcoming school year.

Also be on the lookout because this fall, FunBites is releasing a PAW PATROL cutout!!!  My son is going to be so excited to try them and I am too!

Friday, April 29, 2016

The Month of Never Ending Sickness

I am so sorry I have abandoned you all!  The last 3 weeks have been so, so rough.  Eliza got sick a little over three weeks ago and the illness slowly spread through the household and just never seemed to leave.  Eliza was sick, then Zach got sick, then Samantha got sick, then I got sick, then Chris got sick.  Then Eliza got sick again...rinse, recycle, repeat.  Ugh!!  After 2 weeks I finally gave in and took Eliza to the doctor because she suddenly started running a 100-102 fever every night.  Turns out, she has her first ear infection.  Poor girl!  They put her on amoxicillin, which is like the holy grail of all medicines.  Who doesn't like bubble gum?!  Apparently Eliza.  We have had a heck of a time getting her to take the 4.5 mL's twice a day.  The first 6 days we're lucky if she took half the medicine, even 1/4 of the medicine was good.  I was finally ready to give up and get her back to the doctor since we had tried everything.  Finally I sat her down and had a rational conversation with her.  Told her if she didn't take her medicine she would have to go back to the doctor and get even more medicine and that it wouldn't be fun.  And do you know what happened?  The little stinker took ALL of her medicine.  19 months old and we just had to treat her like a grown up haha.  Since then, as long as we explain that she has to take her medicine so she doesn't have to go back to the doctor, she does great!

I finally think everyone is on the mend. Samantha is only periodically coughing at night, Zach isn't coughing at all, Chris and I have been fine since the first round, and Eliza just needs to get her appetite back.  We are headed to the beach on Sunday and I'm hoping the fresh air will be just the thing we need to kick it to the curb for good.  Once I get back into the swing of things I have some awesome reviews to post on here.  I'm really quite excited about them and can't wait to show you all the fun products we've been playing with.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Happy Easter


As the day comes to a close, I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Easter!  Although it was cloudy and sprinkly today, we still had a wonderful day full of food, family, and Jesus.  The kids woke up early today eager to open their Easter baskets so I was able to sneak downstairs and get some pictures of them coming down and seeing them spot their things for the first time.  It was adorable and they were so excited.





After opening baskets we had a nice breakfast and then headed off to church.  Church, of course, was a beautiful service and gave me chills as it always does.  Easter hymns are so uplifting and amazing and definitely my favorite songs of the year.  I was super excited to get some nice photos of the kids after church since our church has a giant cross at the front that everyone processes in and places flowers on.  Unfortunately, I was disappointed when we walked in and the cross wasn't there.  I found out afterwards that it was something the last pastor did and since we have *yet another* temporary pastor now, they didn't do it.  I said I hope they bring it back next year, so fingers crossed!  I was still able to get some okay pictures of them, even though getting them all to look at the camera at once was next to impossible.



Once we got home I attempted some more group shots which were pretty much equally catastrophic.  The pastor handed out chocolate crosses during the children's sermon and they handed out M&M's after church and I wouldn't let them hold the candy for the pictures and Eliza was NOT having that.  It made for some pretty funny pictures.




After that episode we got ready for dinner with our amazing cousins!!  I didn't get any pictures of all the kids together but they had a great time playing together and it was so nice to spend part of the day with family.  They brought over an AMAZING chocolate cake and cheesecake and my diet was completely shot for the day, but oh so totally worth it.  Seriously delicious!  She also brought some pretty flowers for the table!  Once they left, we blew bubbles outside, had our Easter egg hunt and movie night with The Good Dinosaur and then it was off to bed for everyone.  I am so thankful Chris had the day off and we got to spend it as a family.  We are so blessed!

Eternal is the gift He brings,
Therefore our heart with rapture sings:
"Christ has triumphed! He is living!"
Now still He comes to give us life
And by His presence stills all strife.
Christ has triumphed! He is living!
Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia!

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Potty Training Update

We have about 6 weeks of potty training under our belt now so I figured I'd give a little update.  I don't know if it's just Zach or the fact that I'm potty training a boy but it has been about twenty times harder for him than it was for Sam.  With Samantha, we threw her on the potty one day and that was it.  She maybe had one accident but she knew what to do from the day we first put her on the potty.  For the first two weeks with Zach our days were really hit or miss.  He'd either go all day without an accident or pee twenty times all over the floor.  I'll tell you we went through a lot of paper towels and lysol!

Like I said in my previous post, we have about thirty pairs of 2T/3T underwear which was a great amount so that we didn't run out or be forced to wash every single day (though with urine saturated pants, you probably don't want them to sit long anyways).  I left five or so pairs on our kitchen counter so that I didn't have to run upstairs for a new pair every time he had an accident, plus it gave him several choices to pick from when he was changing.  Most days we didn't need to touch our spare underwear pile but some days, we went through it all.  The "problem" with Zach was that he did NOT respond well to the timer.  When we first started I set it for 20 minute intervals and each time it went off I had him sit on the potty.  He was not at all a fan of this so eventually I just let it go and tried to ask him every once in a while if he needed to go.  Thankfully, he pretty quickly realized what it felt like when he had to go and took himself right to the potty to do his thing.  The few accidents he did have, I think were just when he was too busy playing to stop and make it to the bathroom.

Shortly after we started potty training we took a trip to visit my in-laws in Connecticut.  I was a little nervous to see how he would do away from home, but I packed only diapers for overnight (which he was still using at home) and of course lots of underwear so that I wouldn't be tempted to revert back to diapers.  We got to our trip and I was blown away by how well he did.  We made the 6 hour drive up in one shot, without stopping once, and he got there completely dry.  I did keep a diaper on him for the drive just in case.  Once we got there he peed and went straight into underwear.  Now, we were there for 9 days, and I am thrilled to report he didn't have one single accident!!!  He even woke up dry every single morning.  Normally at home he would wake up with a diaper so full it would almost be bursting so this was HUGE.  I was so proud that he went the whole trip using the potty.

Once we got home, however, it was a different story.  During the day he continued doing great but night time was a struggle the first three nights.  In Connecticut all 4 of us shared a bedroom so once Zach woke up at 6-6:30, we ALL woke up.  After we got downstairs he would take himself to the bathroom and go potty.  At home, we put his little froggy potty in his room, but he refused to get up and use it alone.  He insisted on waiting in his bed until I came to help him but he wouldn't call out for me to come help.  Sooooo, the first 3 nights he ended up laying in a completely soaked bed until I came to get him.  After that, either Chris or I would get up and take him potty and then he'd go back into his room to either lay down or play with his cars.  After that we decided to resort to bribery.  When Samantha potty trained she earned a toy once she was trained and we intend to do that with Zach as well.  So as an incentive we told Zach that once he starts keeping his bed dry and going potty in the morning on his own he could earn something new.  This thrilled him and he has mostly gone potty on his own every day since.

Now our new thing, and a first for us, is peeing standing up.  Zach discovered yesterday that this is a possibility and now refuses to potty sitting down.  Thankfully, for now, he has great aim so it isn't too big of a deal.  He's so excited to go potty and is always telling me how much he loves using the potty and having no more diapers.  I hope this enthusiasm continues!!  Next up...Eliza!

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Trying For A Routine!

At the end of February the kids and I spent 9 days in Connecticut with my in-laws.  I am not ashamed to admit that my kids are hooked on electronics.  They're probably more connected than I am and I'm on a lot.  While in Connecticut I made it a mission to cut back on the gadgets -- tv, iPad, kindle, you name it.  It was tough, but I think I did an okay job.  As a matter of fact, the first time Samantha's iPad ran out of battery, I "forgot" about it and didn't charge it for 3-4 days.  There were tears and there was fighting but she (and I) survived!!  Less use of electronics also helped us to get into a routine.  Routine is something that I'm not very good at as I am more of a go with the flow kind of person, but since we've been home, I've kind of enjoyed knowing I have something to do every day.

One of my mother-in-law's big things is one load of laundry every day.  The first thing she does every morning is turn on her washing machine and get a load in.  At first, I thought this was nuts because I'd only be washing one outfit per person, but after missing one day of doing my wash, I quickly realized how fast it adds up.  Doing wash every day has been super easy once we got home, mostly because Zach has wet the bed for 3 of those nights lol!  Even if it hasn't always been clothes I have definitely kept up with doing one load of laundry per day, sometimes even more.  Now if I could just keep up with folding it.  ;-)

Another suggestion she had was to play a clean up song every hour so the kids can clean up their toys.  She uses a song from Fly Lady while we had always sung the song from Barney.  The kids don't seem to have a preference to either song, we just make sure to play or sing something every time we are cleaning up.  Samantha and Eliza have been very into this though it has been harder to get Zach on board.  I'm hoping eventually they'll just get in the habit of cleaning up after themselves once they're finished playing with something but my mother-in-law is not optimistic.  Looking back, she's probably right because I remember our basement constantly being in a state of natural disaster because my brother and I not cleaning and my mom being adamant that we clean up whatever we were playing with before we took out something new.  I must have been 10 years old and still not cleaning up after myself!!

Now here's the part that is still tough...keeping the electronics away.  We wake up and eat breakfast, I have my laundry going...what next?  With 3 kids very close in age and still young enough to be wanting attention pretty much 24/7, it's easy to fall back on the tv or iPad to keep them entertained.  Now I know this is an electronic but I have found our Amazon Echo (aff.) to be amazing.  This is a bluetooth speaker that can interact with you.  Samantha loves to ask Alexa to tell jokes and tell us about the weather for the day.  I like that Alexa is connected to our music and the entire Amazon Prime Library.  Now rather than having the tv going all day for some background noise we listen to fun music and sing and dance together.  Our current favorite is the Chicken Dance and I'll Tell Me Ma for some Irish step dancing.

We have also been filling up time with reading and coloring.  All 3 kids are signed up for the reading program at our local library and love getting to color in acorns for each book they've read.  We will have even more reading to do once we can sign up for the summer programs and start on the kindergarten reading list.  So much to do and so little time!  I love coloring and it's so easy to pull up blank coloring pages from google and print whatever each child wants.

Now I just need to figure out how to work in some school work for the kids and we will be golden.  It has been so nice not having things going all day long and feeling like I've accomplished something during the day.  Thankfully as the weather gets warmer it will be easier to keep those gadgets turned off and be up and outside playing!

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

thredUP

For as long as I can remember, I have always had a love/hate relationship with children's clothing.  I find something I like, buy it, and 5 minutes later its been outgrown!  What a pain.  I feel like all we do is spend spend spend on clothes and I'm not going to lie, my kids are rough on their clothes, so it hurts when we put out so much money just for them to be ruined or outgrown after only being worn a few times.  Okay okay, of course they aren't really ruined to the point that they can't be worn, but of course stains and marks are going to happen and those drive me crazy.  Shopping seems to be more of a hassle than anything because I struggle to balance what is cute vs. what is practical while still getting a good deal.  Now, I don't have to worry about that anymore!

Last week, I got to talking with my sister-in-law Danielle about kids clothes and she told me all about a site she uses called thredUP which is a virtual consignment sale.  I'll admit I was a little leery at first as I feel like my experiences with resale shops has gone downhill lately.  Clothes are disorganized, overpriced, and very obviously worn.  You could spend hours looking for what you need because stuff is thrown around everywhere.  It's just not fun!  ThredUP takes all the hassle out of consignment shopping.  After Danielle pointed me in the right direction, I spent 2 hours browsing the clothes.  Everything is neatly sorted by categories making things so easy to find plus there is a search bar at the top so you can see if they have the perfect item you are looking for.  Seriously, SO EASY!  After all that browsing, I decided to pick 2 items for each kid just as a test run to see how their stuff was.  I placed my order on Friday and it already arrived today!!  Just 4 days which I found super impressive.


The box was adorable and packaged like a gift which I loved.


I dug right in to check out all our new clothes and boy was I impressed!!  Of the six pieces five of them were in impeccable shape.  Honestly, I would have never guessed that they were second hand clothes.  The last item has the faintest of stains and you really have to search for it so it doesn't bother me in the slightest.  Each piece of clothing has its own thredUP tag which I thought was the perfect touch and made me feel like I was getting brand new clothes.  I loved this!


Eliza was napping when the box came and Zach's clothes are for the summer so I only had Samantha to model her clothes.  She looked SO cute in everything.  She got the khaki shorts and jeans!


I am honestly shocked by how impressed I was by the whole shopping experience and quality of the clothes.  Now here is the great part, you have 14 days to decide if you want to keep your items.  If you decide to return them, thredUP proves you a prepaid postage label to return them!  If you return your items for store credit there is no charge, however, if you want your payment returned to your original payment method there is an $8.99 fee.  ThredUP also gives you the option to request a Clean Out Bag so you can send in your old clothes for PayPal or store credit.  Now, I read that they are super strict with their clothing and only accept <40% of what is sent into them.  Like I said before, we are rough on clothes and I seriously doubt they'd take any of our stuff so I haven't yet sent anything in.  However, it's easy to navigate the site to find out how to send in your items and what brands they will and won't accept.

But wait, there is more!  As of 2/10/2016 thredUP has teamed with 18,878 schools across the country so when you shop your school earns!  You can search for your K-12 school and once selected 5% of your purchases will go right back to the school you chose.  You can even designate your payouts from Clean Out Kits to go back to the school rather than yourself.  At this time, thredUP sends out checks to the schools' PTA twice per year and the check must be at least $100 or the money your school has earned is lost.  Unfortunately at this time, I am the only shopper linked with my daughter's future school so I better get to shopping!

For someone who has been turned off from consignment shopping, I can definitely say that I will be frequently visiting this site from now on.  I can't wait to start searching for summer clothes!  If you haven't yet tried thredUP and are interested in doing so, you can sign up via THIS link and get a store credit just for singing up!!  (I am not sure how much the credit is as the e-mail link gives $10 and facebook share gives $20, comment if you sign up and I can edit my post!)  You can try out the clothes and not have to pay out that much if anything!  After the bonus I got from signing up through my sister-in-law I only paid $24.93 shipped for all 6 items.  You've really got nothing to lose!

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

The Stars Shine Brighter Because of You

*warning - This post contains triggering and graphic content (miscarriage)*

Today when I woke up and logged onto Facebook, I happened to click on my memories from this day to see a message from my husband regarding our family cat Wolfie.  Today, 7 years ago, is the day my dad called to say that he had found our cats lifeless body in the basement.  This threw me back to that time 7 years ago which was honestly a very rough point in my life.  I'm not sure if I should be ashamed or not to admit this, but until I read the post about Wolfie, I completely forgot about what happened on February 1st that same year.  On February 1st 2009 I miscarried our first baby.  I feel guilty that I don't acknowledge the date of this every year but the date that sticks out to me most is my due date.  September 8th.  Every year on this day I think about what could have been and what is now.  Hard to believe that in a few short months we'd have a seven year old!

I will be honest, back in 2008, Chris and I had only been married a year and babies were the farthest thing from the front of our minds.  Everything changed that May when my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer.  I knew she would be excited for grandchildren (though I didn't know HOW excited she was until after she passed away) so Chris and I had decided, depending on the diagnosis, that we would start trying so that my mom could experience being a grandma.  Unfortunately there were some complications from a CT scan and my mom passed away less than 6 weeks after she was diagnosed.  Still that winter we decided to try for our first baby.  I was shocked when I got a positive pregnancy test two days after Christmas on our first month of trying!

On New Years Day I developed a sharp pain in my shoulder and having extreme health anxiety since my mom's death I headed to google.  One of the diagnosis' that kept popping up was ectopic pregnancy.  I frantically called around to all of the OB/GYN's in Northern Virginia hoping someone was open.  Of course all of the offices were closed for the holiday.  Finally I got through to a nurse who told me I should go to the emergency room.  We headed to a local urgent care center where unfortunately all they did was a pregnancy test which came back positive.  They did give me a referral to an ultrasound but they couldn't do it in house which was rather disappointing.  I went a few days later but nothing could be seen on the ultrasound.  I honestly can't remember that time, but I know I was only 4-5 weeks along so it wasn't surprising that nothing could be seen.  Shortly after that I selected an OB (I didn't have one because my PCP was a family doctor that performed all of my annual exams) and went for my first appointment.  The nurse just did an initial intake exam and palpated my uterus and said everything looked good.  I mentioned going to the urgent care and the subsequent ultrasound so the nurse sent me for a follow up ultrasound just to check things out.  At the ultrasound it was immediately apparent that the baby had grown, I felt such relief.  However, after the ultrasound the tech left and came back saying that my OB wanted to talk to me.  This was odd to me because the ultrasound place wasn't even associated with the OB.  Unfortunately, the OB told me that my baby had no heartbeat.  I was told to come back in a week to confirm but at that point it was more likely than not that I was going to have a miscarriage.

I went home to wait things out and less than a week later I woke up on a Sunday morning with debilitating cramps.  After a few hours while sitting on the toilet I passed our baby.  I was 8w5d but our little baby only measured 6w1d.  I could see the little arm and leg buds, the start of his/her eyes, our baby looked perfect.  I talked with my OB and got the difficult news that they wanted to examine the tissue.  I had to collect our baby in a plastic container and keep it in the refrigerator until they opened again and I could bring it in.  I went back to work the very next day, another regret, and spent most of the time in the bathroom due to the insane amount of bleeding.  I don't know why I didn't ask to take any time off for healing.  Looking back, I 110% should have taken some time for myself.  I can't remember if it was before or after work that Monday, but sometime during that day I went to the doctor with our baby.  Taking the baby into the doctor was one of the most difficult things ever and I was in tears the entire time.  They looked the baby over and said everything looked normal and no further testing would be done.  Looking back, I wish I would have pushed for the genetic testing.  They said they might have been able to tell if I was carrying a girl or a boy.  I think it would have helped me immensely with healing had I known if I would have had a son or a daughter.  They told me the baby would be disposed of with the "hazardous waste" at the hospital.  One of my greatest regrets is going along with this and not asking to have the remains back to bury, the thought that my baby was thrown away like trash is absolutely heartbreaking.

Chris and I named our baby Logan, a gender neutral name, that was sort of randomly picked by me.  Thinking about it now I'm not really thrilled with this name but after 7 years it kind of sticks with you.  We tried out another name this year, Cameron, and while it fits with our theme of 3 syllable names I just couldn't get past a different name so Logan it will stay.

While I don't dwell on the miscarriage a lot I will never ever forget Logan.  I do wish we would have gotten to meet him/her but I can't imagine my life any different than it is now.  I have complete faith that one day we will meet our son/daughter and what a blessed reunion that will be!!