Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Morning Snuggles

I am not a bedtime cuddler, never have been never will be.  To put it bluntly, I hate cuddling in bed.  I like to stretch out and get comfortable and have no one touching me.  On the couch sure cuddling is awesome but in bed I need my space.

That changed somewhat once we had kids.  After our oldest was born and I was on my own during the night (breastfeeding) I quickly learned that having the baby right in bed with me was a million times simpler than having her sleep somewhere else.  Co-sleeping quickly became the norm for us. Our oldest slept with us until she was a week shy of 15 months when we weaned and moved her into her room all in the same week.  I was shocked at how easy the transition was.  Even though after I got pregnant a second time
 I vowed to never co-sleep again (the successful move out was probably our 3rd or 4th attempt at getting her out of our room) old habits die hard and our son quickly ended up in our bed as well.  He lasted until his first birthday when he night weaned and moved into his crib.  Our youngest was the about the same and moved out shortly after her first birthday.  Our room has felt empty without them, but I must admit, it's been amazing having my space back.

Shortly after our youngest moved into her room (which is shared with big sister) she got sick and things quickly spiraled downhill.  Baby would wake up crying not feeling well and big sister would wake up crying because it was noisy and she couldn't sleep.  It was a vicious cycle I didn't have the emotional patience to deal with so big sister ended up back in our room.  She has a twin mattress on our floor where she sleeps but recently she has started making her way into our bed in the early hours of the morning.  I forgot how much I loved these snuggles!!

One of the things I remember the most about my childhood is snuggling with my mom.  I remember in 8th grade when our beloved dog Elliott died I started having pretty bad anxiety.  It started one day around the time of his death when I was in my dad's office in the basement eating a twinkie.  I'm not sure what exactly happened but I think a portion of the plastic wrapper went down my throat as I inhaled to take a bite.  I didn't swallow it or even choke really, but I had that split second of panic where I thought the plastic was stuck in my throat and I wasn't able to breath.  After that I constantly felt like I couldn't breath and was always in a state of panic.  Thoughts of death consumed me.  I remember several nights being extremely anxious and just laying with my mom and her warm embrace being enough to calm me down.

I know my daughter isn't dealing with anxiety like this and I pray she never does, but her coming to snuggle with me started when she got a cold too and wanted some comfort.  It has now become a daily thing and I seriously love it.  It makes me so happy to know that I can provide for her the same loving comfort that my mom provided to me.  Up until this morning though I didn't realize how much I relied on her for comfort as well.  My husband made her promise she wouldn't come into our bed until after he left for work.  I found myself lying awake around 3:00 am feeling nauseous and the only thing I wanted was her in my arms.  It was impossible for me to fall back asleep.  I've noticed that I could lay awake half the night unable to sleep but as soon as she's all snuggled up next to me, it's so so easy to drift off.

I absolutely love this bond we have and with kindergarten just around the corner I often wonder how much longer this will last.  Soon enough she'll be a "big girl" and cuddling with mommy will be so uncool.  As it is, the younger two are not big on cuddling so I will cherish every cuddly moment I can get.

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