*warning - This post contains triggering and graphic content (miscarriage)*
Today when I woke up and logged onto Facebook, I happened to click on my memories from this day to see a message from my husband regarding our family cat Wolfie. Today, 7 years ago, is the day my dad called to say that he had found our cats lifeless body in the basement. This threw me back to that time 7 years ago which was honestly a very rough point in my life. I'm not sure if I should be ashamed or not to admit this, but until I read the post about Wolfie, I completely forgot about what happened on February 1st that same year. On February 1st 2009 I miscarried our first baby. I feel guilty that I don't acknowledge the date of this every year but the date that sticks out to me most is my due date. September 8th. Every year on this day I think about what could have been and what is now. Hard to believe that in a few short months we'd have a seven year old!
I will be honest, back in 2008, Chris and I had only been married a year and babies were the farthest thing from the front of our minds. Everything changed that May when my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. I knew she would be excited for grandchildren (though I didn't know HOW excited she was until after she passed away) so Chris and I had decided, depending on the diagnosis, that we would start trying so that my mom could experience being a grandma. Unfortunately there were some complications from a CT scan and my mom passed away less than 6 weeks after she was diagnosed. Still that winter we decided to try for our first baby. I was shocked when I got a positive pregnancy test two days after Christmas on our first month of trying!
On New Years Day I developed a sharp pain in my shoulder and having extreme health anxiety since my mom's death I headed to google. One of the diagnosis' that kept popping up was ectopic pregnancy. I frantically called around to all of the OB/GYN's in Northern Virginia hoping someone was open. Of course all of the offices were closed for the holiday. Finally I got through to a nurse who told me I should go to the emergency room. We headed to a local urgent care center where unfortunately all they did was a pregnancy test which came back positive. They did give me a referral to an ultrasound but they couldn't do it in house which was rather disappointing. I went a few days later but nothing could be seen on the ultrasound. I honestly can't remember that time, but I know I was only 4-5 weeks along so it wasn't surprising that nothing could be seen. Shortly after that I selected an OB (I didn't have one because my PCP was a family doctor that performed all of my annual exams) and went for my first appointment. The nurse just did an initial intake exam and palpated my uterus and said everything looked good. I mentioned going to the urgent care and the subsequent ultrasound so the nurse sent me for a follow up ultrasound just to check things out. At the ultrasound it was immediately apparent that the baby had grown, I felt such relief. However, after the ultrasound the tech left and came back saying that my OB wanted to talk to me. This was odd to me because the ultrasound place wasn't even associated with the OB. Unfortunately, the OB told me that my baby had no heartbeat. I was told to come back in a week to confirm but at that point it was more likely than not that I was going to have a miscarriage.
I went home to wait things out and less than a week later I woke up on a Sunday morning with debilitating cramps. After a few hours while sitting on the toilet I passed our baby. I was 8w5d but our little baby only measured 6w1d. I could see the little arm and leg buds, the start of his/her eyes, our baby looked perfect. I talked with my OB and got the difficult news that they wanted to examine the tissue. I had to collect our baby in a plastic container and keep it in the refrigerator until they opened again and I could bring it in. I went back to work the very next day, another regret, and spent most of the time in the bathroom due to the insane amount of bleeding. I don't know why I didn't ask to take any time off for healing. Looking back, I 110% should have taken some time for myself. I can't remember if it was before or after work that Monday, but sometime during that day I went to the doctor with our baby. Taking the baby into the doctor was one of the most difficult things ever and I was in tears the entire time. They looked the baby over and said everything looked normal and no further testing would be done. Looking back, I wish I would have pushed for the genetic testing. They said they might have been able to tell if I was carrying a girl or a boy. I think it would have helped me immensely with healing had I known if I would have had a son or a daughter. They told me the baby would be disposed of with the "hazardous waste" at the hospital. One of my greatest regrets is going along with this and not asking to have the remains back to bury, the thought that my baby was thrown away like trash is absolutely heartbreaking.
Chris and I named our baby Logan, a gender neutral name, that was sort of randomly picked by me. Thinking about it now I'm not really thrilled with this name but after 7 years it kind of sticks with you. We tried out another name this year, Cameron, and while it fits with our theme of 3 syllable names I just couldn't get past a different name so Logan it will stay.
While I don't dwell on the miscarriage a lot I will never ever forget Logan. I do wish we would have gotten to meet him/her but I can't imagine my life any different than it is now. I have complete faith that one day we will meet our son/daughter and what a blessed reunion that will be!!
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