5 years...

No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye.

You were gone before we knew it and only God knows why.

September 8, 2009.  A date that will forever be etched in my memory.  In December of 2008, Chris and I decided to start trying for our first baby.  Shocked as could be, I found myself pregnant the very first month.  December 27th my first ever big fat positive.  I couldn't believe it!  Shortly afterwards I developed a pain in my shoulder.  Since my mom had passed away quite suddenly only 5 months before my heath anxiety was sky high and I immediately consulted Dr. Google who told me that it was most certainly an ectopic pregnancy.  Cue me freaking out.  I called every OB/GYN in Northern Virginia but since it was a holiday (New Years Day) everyone was closed.  I finally got a hold of a nurse who told me to go to an urgent care center.  I called Chris home from work and off we went.  All they did that day was a confirmation pregnancy test, which was also positive, and gave me a referral to a radiologist to have an ultrasound performed.  I was pretty upset they didn't do one right then and there, but oh well.

A few days later I had the ultrasound which unfortunately didn't show much of anything.  Thankfully at that point I was still only a few weeks pregnant so it wasn't too surprising.  The sac, not in my tube, was measuring on track but there was no visible fetal pole or yolk sac.  I was sent on my way and I made my first prenatal appointment with an OB/GYN.  Another few weeks later I had my appointment where the nurse assured me that everything was going well.  I had mentioned the pain and how I had the ultrasound and she set me up with a follow up ultrasound just to see.  I went to that ultrasound and was SO nervous.  The entire walk back to the room the tech kept saying that there was nothing to be nervous about but I just had a gut feeling.  She turned on the ultrasound machine and all of a sudden I saw our baby up on the giant screen.  So cute, I wanted to breathe a sigh of relief.  However that quickly turned to fear when I saw a flat line going across the bottom of the screen.  I asked what it meant and the tech wouldn't say anything.  After that she quickly left the room and came back a few minutes later saying that my doctor was on the phone to talk to me.  The doctor basically said that the baby had no heartbeat and that the chances of the baby surviving were slim to none.  I was devastated.  I left the appointment in tears just knowing that our baby was gone.  I was scheduled for a second follow up ultrasound a week later but I knew I wouldn't need it.

The following weekend the bleeding started.  Alone at home on February 1, I passed our perfect little baby.  Quite traumatically I was instructed to bring the tissue to my OB's office so it could be inspected and then disposed of with the hospital waste.  How awful.  Unfortunately, I didn't know any better and didn't ask for it back so we could bury it or do something a little more humane.  I will always regret that.

September 8, 2009.  The due date of our first child.  Today our baby should be turning 5 years old.  Instead we are left with an unfillable void.  Thankfully since then we have been blessed with Samantha and Zachary and in a few short days or weeks we will be welcoming our third little blessing into our family.  But no matter how many children we have, we will never forget our first and what could have been.